Dream Journal: Taking a Leap of Faith

I was sitting on the top of a castle with Tim, my boyfriend, and Cali, one of my cats. We were on one of the towers, on a concrete bench, lounging against one of the walls. Cali was sitting on Tim’s lap and I was resting on him. Behind us was a big, beautiful tree with hanging branches. I turned my head towards Tim and noticed that we could see the whole city for miles, like we were in a plane. The sun was setting, and the light reflecting on the buildings downtown was metallic gold and orange. As the light began to wash over the mountains to the left, I knew it would soon hit the rest of the valley to the right. It was so beautiful that I felt like I needed to take a picture of it because it was so unreal. 

I told Tim that the sunset was so pretty that I had to get my camera, and he said OK. At first I worried that if I got up to get my camera I would miss it, but Tim’s response made me feel like I’d have enough time. I twisted to get up and petted Cali and told her I’d be right back. As I got up, Cali jumped off of Tim and ran past me. I felt a little uneasy. I wanted Cali to stay with Tim, but I also knew that I couldn’t control Cali and she was moving so fast there was really nothing I could do. She bolted past me towards the stairs. She was excited and jumped to go down the tower, but she was so excited that she over-jumped and missed the stairs and went over the edge of the tower. 

I was in shock but also hyperventilating. I was so upset, so stunned, so sad, so numb, but so in pain at the same time. Should I go down and try to get her? Would she be alive? Would she be able to land? And if she did, would she get scared and run off? Was there a ledge she could land on and be safe, still in the castle? Was she dead? My heart couldn’t take it. I was frozen in panic and grief and fear. Tim came over, and I could feel him behind me. I could feel that he was coming up with a game plan on what to do. I felt like there wasn’t enough time to do anything. It was all lost. I just stayed there, collapsed on the steps, mourning something I loved so much. 

I woke up because the pain in my heart was so intense. Even after I woke up I felt it, and it stayed for such a long time that I was able to decide whether I wanted to feel it all at once until it passed or push down the feeling until it subsided. I decided to feel it because I knew if I pushed it down it would stay in my body and need to be released later anyway. All I could do was hug Cali and be grateful that I have her in my life. I really felt like I lost her, and now I have her back. Even if the dream was a dream, what I felt was real. 

I’ve been thinking about what Cali represents to me while I’ve been writing this, and all I can think about is my heart. I love her so much. And in my life right now, I’m putting all of my heart into Reiki, writing and my gifts. And I’m nervous that I’m moving too fast and I’m going to over-jump and lose it all. And that would be devastating. I’ve been keeping what I love so close to me, so hidden for so long. Not sharing it, sometimes even keeping it a secret from myself. But now I’m taking a risk, going after something that seems so unreal, but so perfect and so inspiring and so fulfilling, and my heart is excited, going full force—but am I thinking this through? Am I ready? As my heart leaps into the unknown, will I be safe? Will I make it? Or will I fall? And if I fall, will I ever recover?

This dream is from over a year ago and I remember not knowing if I would recover if I fell. YES!! Yes, I will recover. I know that now, and I guess that’s why I feel called to share this.

At the time, I felt so much uncertainty, hesitation and distrust. I was holding on so tightly, clinging to what I wanted, that I wasn’t giving it room to breathe, develop and manifest. Falling in some way is inevitable, and clinging to something other than faith and trust will make it impossible to get back up and continue moving forward. 

Rereading this dream made me realize that, while in some ways I’m still in the same place as I was then, I’ve also grown in a lot of ways. I’m trusting myself more and listening to my intuition. I’m not trying to rush or resist change (most of the time). I’m learning that it’s not scary to tap into my gifts AND that my gifts help people. 

The fear still comes but at least now I can recognize it and work through it instead of being consumed by it. Sometimes the fear is overwhelming, and I need to remind myself to breathe and ground myself in the present moment. When the fear feels like that, I know that I am healing and that my next move will bring the change that I want, even though my subconscious is fighting to tell me something different. 

I wonder what would have happened in the dream if I would have stayed and enjoyed the sunset. If I would have been present in the moment and trusted that I would remember the beauty and the colors and the scene. If I would have trusted that experiencing the moment would have been enough and that I didn’t need to capture it in a photograph. I wonder what would happen if I did that in my everyday life…

When I get stuck in fear and go through the what-ifs, I remind myself that even if whatever it is that I’m worried about happens, I will be OK. Because it’s true: I will be OK. Things may hurt or be uncomfortable or not always turn out how I want, but when those feelings and emotions pass, I will be able to pick myself back up and leap again. Because I know that eventually, with practice, I will land on my feet and be exactly where I want to be.

xo